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 Newsletter Excerpts 2011 
Abortion is part of the Spectrum of Pregnancy-Baby Loss
Miscarriage, stillbirth, induced labour for foetal abnormality or
health issues for the mother, neonatal death or a cot death or early
death by accident or illness are obvious and widely accepted and
acknowledged within the spectrum of pregnancy-baby loss. Less
widely acknowledged is loss inherent in emergency surgery for removal
of an ectopic pregnancy, multifoetal pregnancy reduction or loss
associated with adoption. Abortion as an intentional termination of
pregnancy is rarely addressed as a pregnancy-baby loss.
Miscarriage implies unexpected and sometimes unexplained loss.
Common feelings include sudden shock and horror of it happening, a
questioning why, a blaming of self or wondering what is wrong with me.
Loss of a dream is very real and there may be heightened anxiety around
future ability to conceive or maintain a pregnancy. Generally, the more
a baby was wanted the more intense the feelings accompanying a
miscarriage.
There is a cruel sense of birth as death in stillbirth. Expected or
unexpected it was not meant to happen this way. Shock, disbelief,
anger.... The bereaved parent may experience guilt, loss of trust in
the divine or in self, a betrayal by life, anxiety or dread of future
pregnancies, helplessness, possibly a sense of being punished but “for
what”?
In both miscarriage and stillbirth the womb has become a tomb and
that experience can be deep and profound. Today the grief for these
losses may be openly expressed, though for many it may not be terribly
well supported for the duration. Comments such as “it wasn’t meant to
be” “time heals”“you can have another child” “it’s time to move on”
“give it all to God” are not uncommon and may not be helpful. Bereaved
mothers, and fathers, are often expected to be staunch as if this were
only a minor blipp on the landscape, and this can be more for the sake
of others who are unsure how to handle it.
Neonatal death (from prematurity, illness, cot death, or accident)
can feel like a sudden tragedy. It too may be unexpected and possibly
unexplained. There is usually a sense of shock, unfairness, emptiness.
Having a brief time with baby, experiencing a bonding and some memories
and then the wrench. There are lost dreams for parent and wider family,
and there may be lots of questioning in the search for answers. Issues
of self blame or blaming others can be huge. There may be degrees of
anger or rage at losing a “wanted” child.
Adoption loss is often seen as the most devastating. Adoption is
seen as an unpopular choice for unplanned pregnancy. Many women with an
unplanned pregnancy feel the thought of carrying the baby to term and
then “giving the baby away” as abhorrent and impossible. The thought is
one of continuing the pregnancy and a sense of abandoning the baby
after birth, and this may be regarded as something unworthy of being a
mother. Fear for the baby’s life situation or outcomes, or fear
for self with the complication of having a child out there, our legacy
around Closed Adoptions and a lack of information or understanding of
Open Adoption in New Zealand go a long way to assuming adoption
as undesirable. That adoption can be a loving and viable option does
not appear to really be promoted or worked through fully with
parents considering their options in our current climate.
Emergency surgery for the removal of an ectopic pregnancy, and
multifoetal pregnancy reduction, are often dismissed or minimised as
inconsequential, as if the baby was non-existent and the surgery merely
a necessary medical intervention. The reality that a pregnancy ended,
and dare I say a life terminated and therefore a grief being valid, is
somehow overshadowed by the medical imperatives.
Abortions, usually written off for mental health reasons but
actually occuring for more social or personal reasons, have been
relegated apart in terms of being accepted and acknowledged as part of
the spectrum of pregnancy-baby loss. If it were viewed within that
spectrum of specific losses would so many agree to or succumb to a
procedure that can have deep, significant and lasting impacts?
Some who anticipate the loss and attempt to prepare for it may fare
better but can still come to grief. For what they incur in abortion,
with the intentional termination of a pregnancy, is often greater
conflicts and dissonance with the self, deeper disturbance in the
psyche and ruptured relationships that actually may not be so easily
mended. More careful therapeutic exploration of what the abortion as a
pregnancy-baby loss in a person’s life could mean in real terms
mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, relationally... in the
decision making phase may be preferable.
No one can anticipate what an abortion experience will be like and
mean until after the event. Sadly for numbers of women and men it was
not what they expected. And what’s more they remain isolated and their
pain remains hidden as their experiences and losses are not socially
recognised or validated.
- By Carolina Gnad
Case Illustration from Complicated Mourning
- by Anne Speckhard 1992
“A 21 year old single female patient presented for therapy over an
eating disorder of three years duration, beginning shortly after an
abortion occurring at age 19. Upon exploration of the abortion, the
patient remarked, “It was just one of those things. I wish it wouldn’t
have happened that way, but I don’t see how that could have any bearing
on what I’m dealing with now. I had to get that abortion, I didn’t have
any other choice. I was in college and I would have had to drop out
otherwise.”
The patient was invited to consider discussing any thoughts or
feelings about the abortion that may have been related to the onset of
her eating disorder. At first she was reticent, but in a matter of
weeks she began remembering and sharing more of her feelings about her
abortion. The patient alternated between remembering intense feelings
of attachment to the fetal child while denying any long-term impact,
stating that she knew the abortion was the right thing to do. She
continued to deny until asked about her thoughts and feelings during
the abortion. In tears she recounted, “When I was up on the table I
felt this terrible panic inside, and I wanted to scream and say, ‘Stop,
don’t do this,’ but I knew it was too late. It
was like I could feel my baby panicking inside, trying to get
away. It was horrible, too horrible for words. Then I just
felt an emptiness and I knew my baby was dead, that it was over.
I felt so alone and I wished I could be dead too. Now I feel like
my uterus is a tomb and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have
children.”
As the patient dealt with her feelings of loss over the abortion and
her guilt and anger, at herself and others, for not protecting the
fetal child, her eating disorder was no longer utilized to manage the
intrusive recall and she began to openly mourn her loss.”
The traumatic potential of any pregnancy baby loss is often overlooked by clinicians and researchers.
More recent research in traumatology highlights the interpretative
nature of the trauma response. Not every pregnancy loss or interruption
of pregnancy is experienced as a traumatic death. Indeed, for many
women, such events may not even be considered losses but the potential
is there. Much depends on how the event is defined by the woman. When
it is perceived by the woman as involving a human death event,
particularly when parental attachment to the deceased has occurred, the
experience very closely conforms to the DSM-IV criteria (1994) for
defining a trauma. Central to the criteria is that the event involves
“actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one’s
physical integrity, or witnessing an event that involves death, injury,
or the threat to the physical integrity of another person.”
Accordingly, the stressor capable of producing trauma is usually
experienced with “intense fear, helplessness or horror”. Such
emotions are not uncommon with many pregnancy loss experiences. The
degree of trauma or potential trauma will vary depending on the
situation, individual psyche, supports, attachment and perception
aspects.
Reference:
- (http://www.annespeckhard.com/publications/Death_in_Pregnancy.pdf - chapter 4 in book Death and Trauma - Figley, Bride and Mazza, Publishers: Taylors & Francis)
Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats - Healing for the Grief / Trauma of Abortion
The
RV Retreats are a warm, safe and loving environment with a retreat team
who guide and support retreatants using an integrated psychological and
spiritual approach.
First of three Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats for 2011 delivered
- by Suzanne O’Rourke
The first of three Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats to be offered in the
Wellington region in 2011 has been achieved, despite the complications
of earthquakes, travel difficulties and personal loss which looked set
to deter some attendees.
The Wellington-based Retreats draw on Team members from Wellington,
Tauranga and Christchurch, while Retreat participants come from all
over New Zealand.
“When people begin to recognise that they can truly let go of an
abortion experience they have carried, often in secret for many years,
they tend to find their faith tested,” says Retreat Facilitator, Wendy
Hill. “It is so humbling to see people turn up to a Retreat
uncertain, but none-the-less they come in whatever faith they have.”
While Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats are a ministry of the Catholic
Church, there is no particular group or faith-background among Retreat
participants. Those on a Retreat weekend will be drawn by their
experience of pregnancy loss, usually but not exclusively, through
abortion. Emotions around unexpected pregnancy are often very
complicated; particularly if there has been a previous history of
abortion.
The pain of turning away from a pregnancy leaves a very deep and
often secret grief. Retreat Participants find their grief
acknowledged and a new sense of themselves, their child and their
family emerge. “It is amazing to see the work of the Holy
Spirit in this and how deeply some are touched and changed,” says Wendy.
According to a recent Retreat participant, “I still can’t really say
the word abortion, and I don’t want to. But what I can feel,
which I couldn’t before, is a sense of my complete family and an
amazing sense of love. I didn’t know what to expect, so this has
surprised me. I am beginning to feel really strong. I feel
safe and I feel much softer.”
For more information contact Wendy Hill (Co-ordinator)
Phone: 04 974 8693 or 027 733 2990
Email info@rachelsvineyard.org.nz Website www.rachelsvineyard.org.nz
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